From a very early age, I grew up alone. When I was in school, I would walk home and stay alone until my parents got home from work. Then, when it was summer, I would either stay home all day by myself or go to my grandparent's house. If I stayed home, I often went to the Plainview Country Club pool with neighborhood friends. The PCC was about four blocks from where we lived. As I think back, I am thankful for neighborhood friends. We spent tons of hours together. Marie and Delmar Duncan were like second parents to me. Debby Duncan Ketchersid and I played, fought, and loved like sisters. We are still friends today. I cherish that.
Outside of seeing neighborhood, girl scout, and church friends, I spent a considerable amount of time alone. I can play, but I must recharge so that I don't shut down. Each day after going to school or playing with friends, I remember dinner with my parents, and how I would escape to my bedroom and shut the door afterward. I did not know at the time why I did this; It was just what I had to do to survive, or maybe allow my parents to survive. I can't ask them now; I have so many questions for them since I finally understand my wiring.
I still need lots of recharge time. When I don't get it, there is a door in my brain that shuts down until I do. I don't know a better way to describe it. My recall is scanty, at best and when I have not allowed myself this alone time of recharge, it is very bad.
I like alone, but in my heart, I want to know I'm included. I tend to shy away from large groups because I don't get the why of it all. I don't understand the "play" I'm supposed to be in, yet I often find myself there. It is awkward, and in my mind, I am trying to figure out the stage, the lines, the costume, and the etiquette, all without a dress rehearsal.
I have learned and continue to learn from others how to fit in socially. Of course, I always go through the mental obstacle course with every encounter, every single day, but having a clearer understanding of why I do what I do, or feel how I feel, has cleared a pathway for loving myself because He first loved me. He created me and revealed my exceptionality according to his time and purpose. I am the clay, he is the potter, and I want to be molded for his glory.
All this to say that I understand that you may not get me, but if God places you in my life, it is a Holy encounter to me and the love runs deep.
Have a beautiful week. Encourage and be encouraged!